Existentially Livable.
I told C.
Told him that maybe it doesn’t really matter how it works. That maybe if it’s different than we think, that’s okay. That what Im looking for and had to look for was just something livable. A way to BE. That church makes my life better. That I endeavor to be more honest. That i think the Protestant Tradition has its problems. That we had 1500 years before that. That it was the literal body and blood. That we take communion every week again, and I remember in college when we didn’t. That there might be a progression here. That I don’t think Grace by Faith Alone actually means what people think it means—but that I find people that it is totally livable for, and that’s good and well! That Dowdy the last time I talked to him was a solid rock, that he heard everything I had to say and was not daunted. He had a quiet and calm answer for all of it. It’s admirable I admit. For him its totally livable.—that Protestantism in my estimation produces some of the most selfless people I have ever met bar none—and that it at the same time, the way I was conceptualizing it broke me—that I had to open myself up just to hold the weight. That the Catholic Tradition has a container for the weight with the mythos. But that then still if I can doubt one tradition, I can doubt another, that ive doubted all three—that we are fundamentally religious creatures and cannot go without that—that it’s confusing how much buddhist thought has actually helped me—but that there are people out there, people out there like me who are doing the work, who are like Aaragon doing 80 years in the wilderness, hacking it out, gaining allies, training, fighting, walking, covering the distance, broad steps, putting the pieces together—a lifelong pursuit—hoping one do to take the throne and join his bride.
I had this dream when heather and I first married. I read LOTR every year for 4 years. I had a dream Aaragorn was walking North Hill up into the wildness, looking for the Queen. Taking broad steps. In the sunlight.
It was beautiful and optimist.